Cuts like a knife.

Today will go down as a day of growth.
Today will be remembered as the day my heart was broken, my trust destroyed and the world ended.
Today I gave up.


Today I called the CAS on Marnie and filed an official complaint that she herself is a negligent self serving mother.  She showed up here at 2 pm with 2 policemen, and removed Kaey.  Damien was aware she had done this, and I may never see Kaey again.

She went to Shannas.
The girls are furious and concerned for Kaey.
Marnie will always be a dram queen and I will never trust her again.


Today she cut my heart out with a knife...and still she wants to be right.


Ok Marnie you're right...I now hate you and your ignorance, I hate how you treat people,and i hate how you are nothing more than a self serving pathological liar hell bent on destroying those who love you.

A Pinch of This....

is back, alive and baking up a storm!

To find the perfect buttercream, to sample the perfect lemon, chocolate, or vanilla bean...this is my goal for the next month.

I'm going to need a webpage, some photos and a whole lot of thin people....lol!

One flavor at a time...life is about to heat up!


@ApinchofThis if you have twitter.

Remembrance Day

When all the world is awash with wonder
While memories overcome those who made the sacrifice in either child, husband, father, or friend.

While many will praise the amazement of 11:11:11 on 11/11/11.

We will bow our heads in Silent prayer and say Thank You for the freedom that is mine.
Your sacrifice will not be forgotten lightly.

Good morning Blogland...
So much going on.

Van I bought is uncertifiable...so I sold it to some guy AS IS for 400, and the digital stereo for 300...made back my money!  Yes I did get ripped off but lesson learned!  Dwight thinks he can get me a good deal for under 1000, and he is picky so I'll trust him...looks lie more buses for right now.
Kathleen was not accepted for Canada's Got Talent 2012, but i am so proud of her anyhow for taking the initiative.

Shauna is becoming all girly on me, and Marnie is in exam week.  Alysha, Leah's mom...is just a major pain in my arse right now and I have had enough of the crap...so steps were taken to protect Leah from more drama.

Shanna has  a page on Facebook now for her photography, and her father and i are impressed with her eye for the camera, she gets it from her grandmother I'm sure, Pat too had an eye for that kind of thing.  Doug Sr has surgery yesterday and I haven't caught up with Doug, but I'm hoping he is OK....age is horrible.

Had an interesting session with Kathleen at JH this week....cathartic for sure. Made me aware of what IS my responsibility, and what is NOT mine to take blame on....moving forward.

Cupcake pics to be posted later this week... I'm excited.

Wow...finally feeling like a person, i decided to come back and catch up...

Life is a blur..so here it goes, groceries, overnight sleepovers, visits with dad, ids in and out, laundry, nap time!, coupons organized, course on coupons, meals planned, meals made, more laundry, two grounded teens fro one night.....and now....


a cup of tea just for me!   Site updated for blog, surveys answered and passwords changed....sigh....tomorrow I will have more!

Pink, Puzzled and Precocious!

Awaken to a grey sky, the sound of rain as it splashes and cars zoom past, racing to destinations unknown...everyone scrambling to meet the deadline as today is Friday.  Praise be Friday!

Not just any Friday, may I add, but the Friday after a short work week!  A Friday where time comes to a standstill, almost as a punishment for allowing us the glory of staying home last weekend to indulge in the festivities of family and good fortune, reminiscent of times past, and Thankful for the blessings we are provided, but so often forget in our path to tomorrow. Sitting back, languishing the promises of tomorrow, I sip my morning coffee, blessed upon me by a daughter who knows that this will bring out the smile for a rather dreary day.  I listen as the weather man promises us 'more rain over the next few days', while the children scramble to grab back packs, I ask "What time will you be home?", more rushing as kisses are offered for everyone present  as they speed of to the demands of their 9 to 3:30 'work' day, sharing laughter or gossip.

Such is my life.  

The blessings of greater promises rushes around the corner, laughing being chased by another...as they ask the age old question "can we colour" in the tones that toddlers do, eyes wide with anticipation of the rainbow of reds, blues, greens before them...the promise of creativity and what it presents amazes me as they grasp at the idea of trying to stay in the line...this is not a skill, rather Mt. Everest conquered in the eyes of a wise eyond her years, three year old.  Boldly she holds up her books, and proclaims for the neighborhood to hear (why do they always insist they don't?)  "Mamo, I did it!". Her cheeks pink from trying, her mind working at the puzzling task before her she beams that mega watt smile...and once again, my heart melts and all is right in the world.  Never to be outdone, as is the habit of the younger blessing, who has come into our home, some days just to test our patience, and force us to practice the belief "that this too shall pass", she pops her little blonde curls into the my line of view and says "look Mamo, I did it pink too"...I smile and commend her on her task well done, and she too beams as they squabble over the green crayon that lies before them.  I point out easily, "Ladies, there are two green crayons, can we share?"...they slyly look and state in a humbled tone "Ok...*sigh*...Mamo".  All is well as they embrace the task before them, moving on to another character, and this one shall be.....BLUE!   Giggles abound.

Forgotten is the tickle in the throat, or the fact that breathing is near impossible with this cold, forgiven is the drink spilled, or the laundry left on the floor...this is a time to revel in the laughter, the seriousness of their creativity, knowing from experience that one day the laughter, that allows me to picture me of  faeries rushing in a wind storm shall e gone, and I will wait for the sound of the crashing door, as it boldly announces "Mom I'm home!".  This is the time that will teach them, sharing is awesome, and there will always be someone willing to listen to the slightest question, just don't be afraid to ask.  Hands to be held, chins to be wiped, tears to be cleansed away....this is a period for which the past offers promises of presents tomorrow, and the dreams of today become the accomplishments remembered for a lifetime.  This is nothing I ever wished for, but everything I am grateful to have experienced.

This is My Life, Love and Happiness all wrapped up in a precocious mind of a toddler, who like her Aunts and Mother before her let me take time to stop and listen to the laughter, grasp the beauty in the rain, and know that this is just another Friday in a long line that will be remembered because it too offers a blessing beyond anything I ever dreamed.

This is the Pink to my rainbow, the Puzzle to my History, the Precociousness that will lead me smiling into tomorrow and beyond.  These are my children, my Grandchildren and my Blessing that I open my heart to everyday.

Success!

As per my last post, I ventured into the world of cupcakes and home baking...and had success!

Last week was an event at the children's school so I volunteered and made 500 cupcakes for the school, teachers included.  A variety of flavours, textures and icings later...we have had success.  I have had several parents approach me this weekend to make orders for their childrens' birthdays, and the Parent Council has asked that I provide them baked goods a month as a fundraiser....we're going to get new basketball hops this year.

The kids are excited, the kitchen is alive with smell of cinnamon and vanilla ( such a blessing during the fall), and the health board has been called in to approve my kitchen.  They arrive this week!  Thank goodness I am a clean freak, experience owning my own restaurant has taught  me what they are looking for!

So off into a world of batter, billboards, babies and giggles we go...its never boring!

Time to Bake

So, I've decided I'm going to do it...I going to open a business that involves me baking.
Something small to start with so that i can remain home with Kaeydence and the girls, yet continue to be creative in a positive manner.

So into the world of cupcakes and cake pops I go.  I've been experimenting each week with different flavors, and the neighbors and friends along side the kids have become my taste testers.  Everyone has been positive so far.   Banana caramel with a honey cinnamon buttercream, Chocolate lava, a Chocolate hazelnut and raspberry cream cheese with a raspberry infused buttercream ... today i'm going to explore the world of Apple caramel and a Vanilla cupcake with a peanut butter buttercream.

The girls teacher, Mrs. powers has agreed to be my official taste tester, so on Fridays I will send in product and the kids can respond accordingly.


Its time to turn the negative into the positive and move forward!

RIP Elaine Regier

My world got a little smaller this past Friday when my Aunt passed away.  She had struggled with Cancer since prior to my mom passing, and I understand she fought the battle bravely.

I have to say understood, because this information comes third hand.  I was not there, nor was I invited or informed.  I was left in the dark, discussed but never advised.  So her passing came as a shock when I opened up Facebook, and saw the posting on my 'cousins' Facebook.

I spent all day trying to get a hold of my sister to confirm what my child advised me after I saw the posting, and spent a whole day sadden and once again filled with regret.  I would have loved the opportunity to share a hug, or cry together or even offer an apology for wrongs done.  It will not be...I was not deemed worthy by the those that believe themselves to be.

What makes it sadder is simply this...this is a woman I was close to my whole life til my mother became ill. This was my biological mother, she gave birth to me and shared in my growth from a sideline, because my adoptive parents were family.  I am sad because my own daughter, whom I took in when she was an infant is her granddaughter and she too was not informed or advised or offered a hand to insure she to to say Goodbye.

Gone are the good memories of time away, teatime, and laughter of life's trials....replaced by a sadness and anger at the lack of empathy for the whole family.

Will I ever know the truth?...No, sadly not...because people were present today at her burial(another thing they blatantly lied to me about) who disliked her, who were angered by her actions...yet for the cause of martyrdom, they stood with their heads up and smiled the smile...just to belong momentarily.

My final thought on this is simple...beware...these are the same people that did this to a  child, you too are easily tossible.  Dream your dream, but know that I will never trust a word you utter again.

God speed Elaine, your questions will be asked on the other side, I am not to judge.  I will raise my teacup and wish you blessings, but I will never again remember our jaunts without asking "What was in it for her?"

Things to Ponder

I'm sitting in the room, painted a soft blue to calm one nerves.  Listening to the soft sounds of traffic as it speeds by, the freedom outside often as stifling as the confines of this room.  This is the one opportunity to stop thinking and just talk.  Today it's not going to be so easy...today I open up a door to a world best forgotten.

Listening to them ask again..."WHY did you do that Shellie?"  Why indeed.  I wish I had asked that before.
My answer is simple..."because I had to do something"...that 'something' is not always the right thing, that 'something' sometimes leads to a quick resurgence as I fix the things forgotten, that 'something' is sometimes just a bad choice period, to which there is no recovery.  Sometimes that 'something' requires further action on my part.
I am my own worse enemy.

The conversation and the opening of the mind begins.
There is no simple reason why.  There are no excuses for wrong choices made here.  Here I am forced to look at the steps taken and realize I am my own self destructive entity.  I alone am responsible for the things I chose to do, but I am not responsible for the all actions incurred during those periods of time, struggling for air, struggling for someone to recognize I'm sinking, and needed a life line, not an excuse.  I can do that well enough on my own.
No this is not anyones fault but my own...choices I made believing I as doing the right thing to protect. Hard to protect when you cannot protect yourself.  Why didn't I open my eyes before?  Was I that afraid of the truth in front of me.
I am my own worse enemy.

Why did I continue to make excuses where there were none?  Why did I not scream at the obscenity of it all? Why did I remain mute when I should have said "I need help".  Why was it so important to make it look like it was all perfect?  I am my own worse enemy.  I am not to blame for the lack of control in so many parts of life, that it was to be exerted as my expense.  I was a battered soul.  I was not to blame for the ignorance shown in almost every arena we entered.  I was too busy trying to salvage everything so others triumphs could be applauded.
I am my own worse enemy.

It is so easy to slip into the rule of making excuses, I've been doing it for years..."if I hadn't talked back..." she wouldn't have hit me.  Wrong, she did hit me because she could control that one small part of life where the rest spiraled out of control, yet I loved her still.  When the door was opened to offer refuge from the insanity of the sanity,  refused to take refuge, and lied to myself that it was going to get better.  When as an adult, I refused to press the matter when his hand shot out and he knocked me senseless, the small child in my arms unaware of the damages inside, because the outside looked so grand...."if I'd only listened to what he told me..." he wouldn't hit me again.  Wrong, he hit me again and again, not caring whether he damaged my soul or my body, he had his own stories he told.  Excuses were made, because I could.  I am not a hero.  I am not anyones savior.  I am a fool.
I am my own worse enemy.

I am a caring person, I am a person who would be there fro her family when needed, I am that person that steps up and says "I can help...", when sadly I cannot help myself.
I am my own worse enemy.

I can say though I am also a fighter.  I fought to keep the dream job that fell into our laps, the freedom it offered allowed me the freedom to buy the 'security' I was seeking.  The joy of going kept me going, like the energizer bunny I kept it up to spend spend spend.  My expenditures were never selfish, the same could not be said of him.  The joy of some destroyed by the selfishness of others, but I chose to believe at the heart of it I was appreciated, loved...cared for.  Part of that was true.
I am my own worse enemy.

I am going to fight this fight without the benefit of anyone believing in me, those bridges are long gone.  Selfishness and ignorance to the facts allow others to see only what they want to see, for fear of having to admit their own error. The anguish cuts deep, but I will survive.  I will walk with my head held high knowing, I am my own worse enemy...but that has come to a stop.

I will not pretend that the children who martyrs themselves to the attention of it all, is any more trustworthy than I was.  Her beliefs, her 'insights' are biased to her own selfish needs and desires.  There is love and forever shall be, but there is no longer the trust because she has chosen to see what she wants where the realities were right in front of her eyes.  I run in circles, she runs away.
I will not pretend the child I protect from herself is any more unbiased, her 'truths' though I know exist from a childhood where she believed she was treated differently.  Her truth is hers alone, I run in circles,she is my shadow until someone steps up and offers her a hand out.
I will not pretend the child I opened our lives to will be here if another door opens...she has struggled so long to belong where she was not wanted.  This is her truth to seek, my heart will remain open as always.  I have erred so many times, and I am not perfect, but my intentions were honest from the beginning.  I am drowning in the lies of it all surrounding us.
I will not pretend to see the pain in the youngest eyes, as she struggles to come up with an answer as to why they all dropped away.  I have no answers, but I have a hand when she needs it.  I like her and struggling to answer the why of it all.
I am my own worse enemy.

Today...I will become my own best friend.  No more untruths, no more Why?...today I responsible for the tomorrows of my life.  I may be alone, but I cannot be afraid to look myself in the eye anymore.  I cannot make excuses for the past, but I can control the future of my tomorrows.
I will be my own best friend.

One day at a time...

Shauna

Wow...today you are 13 Years old.
A lifetime ago that seems like just yesterday.

I had the honor of watching you grow from first acknowledgement to the beautiful young lady you are today.  I got to hold you when you were first born, and like your father before you are someone who is important in my life.  From your first breath, to your exasperated "Mom!!" at the dinner table.  From your first gas, to last nights gas (LOL) we have triumphed the littlest trials to the grandest battles together, and live to tell the tale into tomorrow.

Little did we know all those years ago, the permanency of the situation! However, despite the drama, the trials and the tribulations of this young life lived...I wouldn't trade you for anything!  Life lessons have been learned, mistakes definitely made...but at the end of the day I know with pride and with love you are my daughter.  Not born of my seed, but you definitely grew in my heart.  No less important than the others (and there are a lot of others).  You have stubborn pride, a laughter that is shared with the craziness of it all, and a smile that can light up the room as we share tales of the days before.  You bring a stubbornness that cannot be tamed, a feeling of woe that is underlying...but you know that you can speak to any of us and be heard. You are loved by many and by all.  You are Shauna, "Naana", daughter, brat, sister, cousin, niece and granddaughter....all rolled into one.

13 years...13 years of laughter, tears, tantrums, adventures and growth.  You are now venturing into the next phase of life known as teenage years....and yes this too we shall overcome!  Together we will walk with our heads held high, knowing despite whatever obstacles...in the end we will have each other, no limits, no boundaries..a family that grew together from and with Love.

Happy Birthday Kid.

Now, just one request please...DO NOT get any taller!

The Silence is deafening...

the quiet is unsurmountable
the whispers heard but I ignore them at the sake of my sanity

I silently watch you from the shadows, knowing that the reality eludes you.
You have chosen to bury yourself in martyrdom, looking for pity form those that know not of your duplicity, your deceit to yourself and to others.

I will not open that door again and place my trust in you, because you cannot be trusted with the hearts that were the most open.

I do not wish you ill will, but I wish you gone, till I am strong enough to deal with your abuse yet again.
Sometimes the biggest dragons we run away from are our own children.

There is love, but there is nothing else...sadly.

Three Years cannot erase a Lifetime of Memories...

Three Years ago, the world lost a friend, a mother, a grandmother, a lover...a fighter.
Three years ago today, lost to a courageous battle with the vicious disease known as Lung Cancer, my mother took her final breath.  Her beauty ever etched in our minds as we spent those last days, weeks and few months with her.  Holding her hand when we could, helping her when she needed it, sharing stories of the past brought to the forefront by this silent killer.  Laughing at the audacity of it all...after all those years smoking, AFTER she quit it decided to rear its ugly head. Irony in its truest sense. Pathos in its entirety.
There were words left unsaid, regrets for sure..but there was love never ending.  The moments shared can never be erased, the challenges brought us together, yet tore us apart at the same time.  Each to withdraw into a period of "Why?", strength drawn from life lessons learned we have endured the period after, and we walk through the days with our heads held high, knowing that although she may have shaken her head at some of our choices, where she may have screamed in her loudest mom voice "What the heck were you thinking?"...Mom would have been there to encourage, to laugh, to embrace us one and all.  She would have walked through it with her unbreakable resolve and knowing we may have erred yet again...at the end of it all, she would continue the fight valiantly.  She was an indelible force that we lived, learned and loved.

The laughter was contagious, the memories countless...but there was love never ending.  She was my best friend, my confidante, my hero.  She was everything I wanted and didn't want to be.  She was a rock to all who knew her, and she was at the heart of it all.  Although it may never again be "how she would have done it..." it is what it is, and it with her tenacity and courage we live this life knowing that one day our paths will cross again...and damn is that kick in the but going to hurt...lol!

Three Years ago today, the family I grew up believing was invincible fell apart, never to be truly whole again...but like the lessons she taught us, we will grow older knowing we were blessed by the best of them, and truly special in her eyes.  We all have our own memories, shared little secrets of time well spent, and the knowledge that there we things we could have done better...but at the end of it we also know we had a friend, a mother, a partner, a grandmother, a confidante...A HERO of the best kind, my Mom.

Gone but never forgotten   Barbara Ann Cadogan  July 16th, 1944 ~ January 27th, 2008

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Once upon a time in a land far far away...where everyone is the perfect height, perfect weight (hey this is a fairy tale after all!)...there lived a sad little frog.
The frog not knowing that his skin shone like emeralds on the sunniest of days was envious of the other animals who had, what he thought, was beautiful skin with their hair of various lengths. He enjoyed watching the animals run and play, unaware of the dangers offered by brambles or the smell of their fur when wet.  He thought it would be great to be warm in the cold, and he wouldn't have to hide when the winter came.

One day the frog came across a small lock of hair cut from one of the tall people.  He took home his treasure and made himself a wig.  He walked out that morning into the bright sunshine and was upset when his friends started to laugh and point at him.  "Frogs do not wear wigs silly amphibian!" they all said as they pointed and laughed.  He ran to his shelter and hid his wig.

The next day a big rain came and the animals were all forced to seek shelter together in the highest cave they could find,  Frog forgot his wig in all the rush.  As they all sat huddle together wondering if it would ever stop so they could play again...everyone shivered...everyone but the frog.  He didnt have the same wet hair to keep him cold in this crazy rain.  He hopped to the edge of the cave and sat there while everyone talked amongst themselves. It was dark, and cool in the cave and the animlas didnt know if the sun would ever come out.
Later that afternoon, as the animals lay miserable and complaining of the smells of wet fur... there was a break in the storm, and the sun reflected a warm green glow off of the frog...the animals all gasped at its beauty, and Frog realized, that although he may not have what he thought was awesome hair, he did have the ability to show the beauty of the boldest of greens, and many were in awe of him as he was of them!

Frog learned that day, while his friends may have what he thought was beautiful fur, they themselves had their own issues.  Frog kept his wig for when he wanted to dress up, but he was happy from then on knowing he himself had friends who were envious of him for what he didn't have.