Sunday, January 30, 2011

Shauna you are 13 Years old.
A lifetime ago that seems like just yesterday.

I had the honor of watching you grow from first acknowledgement to the beautiful young lady you are today.  I got to hold you when you were first born, and like your father before you are someone who is important in my life.  From your first breath, to your exasperated "Mom!!" at the dinner table.  From your first gas, to last nights gas (LOL) we have triumphed the littlest trials to the grandest battles together, and live to tell the tale into tomorrow.

Little did we know all those years ago, the permanency of the situation! However, despite the drama, the trials and the tribulations of this young life lived...I wouldn't trade you for anything!  Life lessons have been learned, mistakes definitely made...but at the end of the day I know with pride and with love you are my daughter.  Not born of my seed, but you definitely grew in my heart.  No less important than the others (and there are a lot of others).  You have stubborn pride, a laughter that is shared with the craziness of it all, and a smile that can light up the room as we share tales of the days before.  You bring a stubbornness that cannot be tamed, a feeling of woe that is underlying...but you know that you can speak to any of us and be heard. You are loved by many and by all.  You are Shauna, "Naana", daughter, brat, sister, cousin, niece and granddaughter....all rolled into one.

13 years...13 years of laughter, tears, tantrums, adventures and growth.  You are now venturing into the next phase of life known as teenage years....and yes this too we shall overcome!  Together we will walk with our heads held high, knowing despite whatever the end we will have each other, no limits, no boundaries..a family that grew together from and with Love.

Happy Birthday Kid.

Now, just one request please...DO NOT get any taller!

Friday, January 28, 2011

The Silence is deafening...

the quiet is unsurmountable
the whispers heard but I ignore them at the sake of my sanity

I silently watch you from the shadows, knowing that the reality eludes you.
You have chosen to bury yourself in martyrdom, looking for pity form those that know not of your duplicity, your deceit to yourself and to others.

I will not open that door again and place my trust in you, because you cannot be trusted with the hearts that were the most open.

I do not wish you ill will, but I wish you gone, till I am strong enough to deal with your abuse yet again.
Sometimes the biggest dragons we run away from are our own children.

There is love, but there is nothing else...sadly.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Three Years cannot erase a Lifetime of Memories...

Three Years ago, the world lost a friend, a mother, a grandmother, a lover...a fighter.
Three years ago today, lost to a courageous battle with the vicious disease known as Lung Cancer, my mother took her final breath.  Her beauty ever etched in our minds as we spent those last days, weeks and few months with her.  Holding her hand when we could, helping her when she needed it, sharing stories of the past brought to the forefront by this silent killer.  Laughing at the audacity of it all...after all those years smoking, AFTER she quit it decided to rear its ugly head. Irony in its truest sense. Pathos in its entirety.
There were words left unsaid, regrets for sure..but there was love never ending.  The moments shared can never be erased, the challenges brought us together, yet tore us apart at the same time.  Each to withdraw into a period of "Why?", strength drawn from life lessons learned we have endured the period after, and we walk through the days with our heads held high, knowing that although she may have shaken her head at some of our choices, where she may have screamed in her loudest mom voice "What the heck were you thinking?"...Mom would have been there to encourage, to laugh, to embrace us one and all.  She would have walked through it with her unbreakable resolve and knowing we may have erred yet the end of it all, she would continue the fight valiantly.  She was an indelible force that we lived, learned and loved.

The laughter was contagious, the memories countless...but there was love never ending.  She was my best friend, my confidante, my hero.  She was everything I wanted and didn't want to be.  She was a rock to all who knew her, and she was at the heart of it all.  Although it may never again be "how she would have done it..." it is what it is, and it with her tenacity and courage we live this life knowing that one day our paths will cross again...and damn is that kick in the but going to!

Three Years ago today, the family I grew up believing was invincible fell apart, never to be truly whole again...but like the lessons she taught us, we will grow older knowing we were blessed by the best of them, and truly special in her eyes.  We all have our own memories, shared little secrets of time well spent, and the knowledge that there we things we could have done better...but at the end of it we also know we had a friend, a mother, a partner, a grandmother, a confidante...A HERO of the best kind, my Mom.

Gone but never forgotten   Barbara Ann Cadogan  July 16th, 1944 ~ January 27th, 2008

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Once upon a time in a land far far away...where everyone is the perfect height, perfect weight (hey this is a fairy tale after all!)...there lived a sad little frog.
The frog not knowing that his skin shone like emeralds on the sunniest of days was envious of the other animals who had, what he thought, was beautiful skin with their hair of various lengths. He enjoyed watching the animals run and play, unaware of the dangers offered by brambles or the smell of their fur when wet.  He thought it would be great to be warm in the cold, and he wouldn't have to hide when the winter came.

One day the frog came across a small lock of hair cut from one of the tall people.  He took home his treasure and made himself a wig.  He walked out that morning into the bright sunshine and was upset when his friends started to laugh and point at him.  "Frogs do not wear wigs silly amphibian!" they all said as they pointed and laughed.  He ran to his shelter and hid his wig.

The next day a big rain came and the animals were all forced to seek shelter together in the highest cave they could find,  Frog forgot his wig in all the rush.  As they all sat huddle together wondering if it would ever stop so they could play again...everyone shivered...everyone but the frog.  He didnt have the same wet hair to keep him cold in this crazy rain.  He hopped to the edge of the cave and sat there while everyone talked amongst themselves. It was dark, and cool in the cave and the animlas didnt know if the sun would ever come out.
Later that afternoon, as the animals lay miserable and complaining of the smells of wet fur... there was a break in the storm, and the sun reflected a warm green glow off of the frog...the animals all gasped at its beauty, and Frog realized, that although he may not have what he thought was awesome hair, he did have the ability to show the beauty of the boldest of greens, and many were in awe of him as he was of them!

Frog learned that day, while his friends may have what he thought was beautiful fur, they themselves had their own issues.  Frog kept his wig for when he wanted to dress up, but he was happy from then on knowing he himself had friends who were envious of him for what he didn't have.