Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Things to Ponder

I'm sitting in the room, painted a soft blue to calm one nerves.  Listening to the soft sounds of traffic as it speeds by, the freedom outside often as stifling as the confines of this room.  This is the one opportunity to stop thinking and just talk.  Today it's not going to be so I open up a door to a world best forgotten.

Listening to them ask again..."WHY did you do that Shellie?"  Why indeed.  I wish I had asked that before.
My answer is simple..."because I had to do something"...that 'something' is not always the right thing, that 'something' sometimes leads to a quick resurgence as I fix the things forgotten, that 'something' is sometimes just a bad choice period, to which there is no recovery.  Sometimes that 'something' requires further action on my part.
I am my own worse enemy.

The conversation and the opening of the mind begins.
There is no simple reason why.  There are no excuses for wrong choices made here.  Here I am forced to look at the steps taken and realize I am my own self destructive entity.  I alone am responsible for the things I chose to do, but I am not responsible for the all actions incurred during those periods of time, struggling for air, struggling for someone to recognize I'm sinking, and needed a life line, not an excuse.  I can do that well enough on my own.
No this is not anyones fault but my own...choices I made believing I as doing the right thing to protect. Hard to protect when you cannot protect yourself.  Why didn't I open my eyes before?  Was I that afraid of the truth in front of me.
I am my own worse enemy.

Why did I continue to make excuses where there were none?  Why did I not scream at the obscenity of it all? Why did I remain mute when I should have said "I need help".  Why was it so important to make it look like it was all perfect?  I am my own worse enemy.  I am not to blame for the lack of control in so many parts of life, that it was to be exerted as my expense.  I was a battered soul.  I was not to blame for the ignorance shown in almost every arena we entered.  I was too busy trying to salvage everything so others triumphs could be applauded.
I am my own worse enemy.

It is so easy to slip into the rule of making excuses, I've been doing it for years..."if I hadn't talked back..." she wouldn't have hit me.  Wrong, she did hit me because she could control that one small part of life where the rest spiraled out of control, yet I loved her still.  When the door was opened to offer refuge from the insanity of the sanity,  refused to take refuge, and lied to myself that it was going to get better.  When as an adult, I refused to press the matter when his hand shot out and he knocked me senseless, the small child in my arms unaware of the damages inside, because the outside looked so grand...."if I'd only listened to what he told me..." he wouldn't hit me again.  Wrong, he hit me again and again, not caring whether he damaged my soul or my body, he had his own stories he told.  Excuses were made, because I could.  I am not a hero.  I am not anyones savior.  I am a fool.
I am my own worse enemy.

I am a caring person, I am a person who would be there fro her family when needed, I am that person that steps up and says "I can help...", when sadly I cannot help myself.
I am my own worse enemy.

I can say though I am also a fighter.  I fought to keep the dream job that fell into our laps, the freedom it offered allowed me the freedom to buy the 'security' I was seeking.  The joy of going kept me going, like the energizer bunny I kept it up to spend spend spend.  My expenditures were never selfish, the same could not be said of him.  The joy of some destroyed by the selfishness of others, but I chose to believe at the heart of it I was appreciated, loved...cared for.  Part of that was true.
I am my own worse enemy.

I am going to fight this fight without the benefit of anyone believing in me, those bridges are long gone.  Selfishness and ignorance to the facts allow others to see only what they want to see, for fear of having to admit their own error. The anguish cuts deep, but I will survive.  I will walk with my head held high knowing, I am my own worse enemy...but that has come to a stop.

I will not pretend that the children who martyrs themselves to the attention of it all, is any more trustworthy than I was.  Her beliefs, her 'insights' are biased to her own selfish needs and desires.  There is love and forever shall be, but there is no longer the trust because she has chosen to see what she wants where the realities were right in front of her eyes.  I run in circles, she runs away.
I will not pretend the child I protect from herself is any more unbiased, her 'truths' though I know exist from a childhood where she believed she was treated differently.  Her truth is hers alone, I run in circles,she is my shadow until someone steps up and offers her a hand out.
I will not pretend the child I opened our lives to will be here if another door opens...she has struggled so long to belong where she was not wanted.  This is her truth to seek, my heart will remain open as always.  I have erred so many times, and I am not perfect, but my intentions were honest from the beginning.  I am drowning in the lies of it all surrounding us.
I will not pretend to see the pain in the youngest eyes, as she struggles to come up with an answer as to why they all dropped away.  I have no answers, but I have a hand when she needs it.  I like her and struggling to answer the why of it all.
I am my own worse enemy.

Today...I will become my own best friend.  No more untruths, no more Why? I responsible for the tomorrows of my life.  I may be alone, but I cannot be afraid to look myself in the eye anymore.  I cannot make excuses for the past, but I can control the future of my tomorrows.
I will be my own best friend.

One day at a time...

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